Warning! Bicol Express!!!

Warning: This Food is Incendiary. It can incinerate your tongue. Have a fire extinguisher in handy. You might need it. And don't forget the galloon of icy cold water.

These words should have been printed on the label of a canned Bicol Express that I engorged lately. I admit that I like spicy and salty foods (did I hear a doctor gasp?), but Bicol Express was way off my league. I sandwiched the teaspoonful of the spice-laden dish that I dug up from the can between a mound of rice and hurriedly shoved it into my mouth. Too late! The flavor somehow seeped through the rice and I was panting like a pig as I reached for the suggested glass of icy cold water to douse my burning tongue. I repeated the ritual, and when the meal was over, my belly was bloated from drinking a gallon of water. A plateful of rice was shoved together with two tablespoonfuls of the viand (so much for a balanced diet!). And then I brushed my teeth vigorouslyand attempted to scrape the tastebuds still contaminated with Bicol Express off my tongue. But I like the ordeal (am I a sadomasochist or what?) and Bicol Express more. I should have taped my foodtrip and submitted it to Fear Factor.