These Made Me Laugh

Of all the articles that I have read in newspapers and news magazines, only the titles of three have been retained in my mind and these are:

Study finds food shortage in Africa

What? You mean to say that somebody went to great lengths to determine if there is indeed a food shortage in Africa and wasted money in uncovering a universal truth that food is so scarce in the Dark Continent that its people have forgotten what food is in the same way that their prosperous northern neighbors, the fair-skinned Europeans, have no idea what shortage is. You mean to say that the photos of cadaverous African children were hoaxes? I wonder if the researchers kept their jobs after the publication of their “groundbreaking” research.

Firehouse destroyed in fire.

Now, this is a classic only-in-the-Philippines story. When I read this news about a fire that gutted a provincial fire station several years ago, I read through the whole story first to make sure that nobody was hurt in the blaze before I had a hearty laugh. The poor town only a fire station and no fire truck, which puts them the Bureau of Fire Protection in the same league as the Philippine National Police that has a shortage of patrol cars and handguns. I don’t know if Ripley’s Believe It or Not picked it up, but the incident was an eye-opener about how basic rescue and firefighting equipment are in dire shortage in the country while there is a surplus of luxury vehicles that would ferry bureaucrats and politicians.

His greatest love of all.

This story tops them all. I’ve read it in Time magazine about a week ago. A woman who claimed that she once shared a bed with Osama bin Laden confessed in her book that the terrorist extraordinaire has a huge crush on Whitney Houston. He was so infatuated with the diva that he even plotted to kill Bobby Brown whom he viewed as a very bad influence on his lady love. Poor Bobby! If the plot was carried out, he could claim the distinction as being the only denizen of decadent Hollywood to be liquidated by al-Queda in an operation that should be codenamed Kill Bobby. I wonder if he ever joined her fan club.

Below is a conjectured dialogue between Osama and one of his henchmen on the eve of the US invasion of Afghanistan. The setting is in Kandahar, Afghanistan. Osama is reclining on a couch with popcorn in one hand and a box of Kleenex tissue in the other.

Al-Queda Terrorist: Boss! Boss! The B-52s are here! We count at least a dozen circling overhead.
Al-Queda Terrorist: (Glances at the DVD playing The Bodyguard). Boss! You’ve watched that movie a thousand times!
Osama: Silence! (Osama sniffles and wipes his eyes with Kleenex. The airport scene where Whitney Houston kisses Kevin Costner before she boards her private jet flashes on the screen. The first line of I Will Always Love You starts to play in the background. Osama sings along.)

The first of hundreds of dumb bombs fall a kilometer away. The ground shakes from the impact, a deep rumble resonates. The lights die, the television screen turns blank.

Osama: (Grabs his AK-47 and fires several shots into the air.) Curse the Americans! I will kill the infidels and Bobby Brown! Quick! Grab my DVDs.
Al-Queda Terrorist: Boss! You’ve watched The Bodyguard and The Preacher’s Wife a thousand times already!
Osama: You dare question me? You want me to feed you to the infidels now?
Al-Queda Terrorist: But the pick-ups are loaded with your wives and kids. There is no room for Whitney’s DVD albums and movies.
Osama: There will always be room for Whitney.

Both men run to exit as the bombs detonate closer.